Why I don't like that damn brat
by Quack says the T-shape
Summary: Yuki's POV on why him and Shuichi are totally not in love. Definitely not... right? YuShu. Humor and Romance. Oneshot.


**Yuki's POV**

Okay, all you rabid yaoi fan girls (and possibly guys) out there need to know a good few facts. First of all:

_I. Do. Not. Like. Shuichi._

That is the very main fact of all. I just do not like him. Maybe he's alright when he's not being annoying, and stuff, but apart from that, he is most definitely hated by me.

Glad that's settled. Although, there are some more facts that you definitely need to know. This started when I received a junk e-mail (from Shuichi, actually, I don't know how he got my address…), and it was all about love and crap. And then it came up with 25 facts why guys like girls. And I agree with none of them, so I have chosen to voice this to you, the rabid fan girl public.

**1. They will always smell good**

**even if its just shampoo**

Excuse me, have you smelt Shuichi lately? He smells like strawberries and cherries and the most sickly things. It's overpowering and just plain disgusting. I'd rather he didn't have hair than use them damn shampoos. I mean, you try sleeping next to someone so fragranced that flies are attracted to them. that's how 'nice-smelling' he is. And then I doubt Shuichi likes my smell, 'cause I smell of fags and booze and occasionally chocolate. I wash and always smell nice when I go out, but otherwise me (and the apartment) will smell of stale smoke. What kid wants to smell that?

**2. The way their heads always**

**find the right spot on our shoulder**

Well that doesn't happen with us. He's too much of a dweeb to reach my shoulder properly, and when he does, he just wriggles around a lot. It never gets anywhere. And I don't nestle his shoulder, because really. I'm too damn hot for that.

**3. How cute they look when they sleep**

Now, everyone tells me that Shuichi looks cute when he sleeps. Lies. All lies. There is _nothing_ cute about that brat sleeping. _Nothing_. He rolls all over the place and keeps knocking into me, and the bed gets so sweaty 'cause he steals the covers as well. And then he tries to cuddle me, or grope me, and it's wrong and weird. This is why I should not get blamed for pushing him off the bed. He starts it.

**4. The ease in which they fit into our arms**

I don't let him ease into my arms, so he doesn't just slip in comfortably, he prods and pokes and annoys until he's found a vaguely acceptable spot against my rib cage. And then he _snuggles_. Snuggling should be illegal. He thinks it's cosy and sweet but it's not, it's terribly irritating and makes me kick him. And then he cries. And then my shirt gets all nasty. And then I have to change because, come on, I'm Eiri Yuki, I must look perfect at all times. And then I get pissed off and kick him again. Stupid brat.

**5. The way they kiss you and**

**all of a sudden everything**

**is right in the world**

SHUICHI'S KISSES? Are you _KIDDING ME_? When he kisses me on the cheek, it's sloppy and wet and dripping with love. And then when he kisses anywhere else, well, I'm too distracted trying to rip off his boxers to notice if the world is right. But it probably isn't. because a kiss can't do that.

**6. How cute they are when they eat**

WHAT? He's not cute when he eats, 'cause he can't cook, so the food he eats is nasty. And then he offers me some, and like I'm gonna eat any of that crap, it's like brown. And so then he freaks out 'cause he doesn't think I eat enough, and I say he repulses me so much I can't eat, and then he cries. So then, when he starts eating, his face is covered in tears and snot. I tell you, not nice.

**7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while**

Shuichi doesn't take long to get dressed. He throws on any old crap, and that's why he looks stupid. I take long, and that's worth it, 'cause I always end up looking hot, but even if Shuichi took ages he'd still look stupid because he is stupid. He can't help that. At least because he's gay he can't breed, that definitely does the world some favours.

**8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside**

Why would I be outside when it's minus thirty degrees? Geez.

**9. The way they look good**

**no matter what they wear**

I think I've kind of covered this. Sure, his body may be very nice. Sure, his face is sort of alright to look at. Sure, his hair is vaguely cool, in a kind of pop star way. But his choice of clothing is the most stupidest thing I've ever seen. Therefore, he does not look good when in clothes. That's why I like him naked.

**10. The way they fish for compliments even though **

**you both know that you think **

**she's the most beautiful thing on this earth**

Alright, I may think Shuichi is kind of sort of verging on beautiful. But he's not the most beautiful thing in the world. _I'm_ the most beautiful thing in the world. I'm glad we're all clear on that point.

**11. How cute they are when they argue**

Shuichi doesn't argue. I say something, and then he whines, then I get pissed, then he cries. That's just the way it goes. Occasionally, I throw him out, sometimes even in winter and he won't have any clothes. But that's not my fault. You try and listen to him whine about how I never tell him I love him. Duh, that's because I don't love him. I don't. I really really really really don't. So stop looking at me like that.

**12. The way her hand always finds yours**

His hand always gets so clammy. I think it's because he's constantly running around, acting like a total prat, and then he starts sweating, and his hand becomes clammy. Therefore, he knows not to try and hold my hand, because the consequences will be fatal.

**13. The way they smile**

Psht. Brat.

**14. The way you feel when you see their name **

**on the caller ID after you just had a big fight**

Shuichi's so stupid he never figured out how to use his mobile. He can send copious amounts of texts, but beyond that, he's terrible. Which I think is weird, 'cause surely it's easier to make a call then text? But whatever. And I don't let him know my mobile phone number, because that's something way too dangerous for me to even consider. So, basically, I never see Shuichi's name on caller ID. And I don't want to, either. It's not like I care.

**15. The way she says**

**"lets not fight anymore"**

**even though you know that**

**an hour later...**

He has never said that. After I've yelled at him, and he's whined and cried, Shuichi just sits on his own for a bit. Or he may look at me with those big eyes, or he'll fish for compliments, or he'll snuggle, or he'll do something. He'd never ask to not fight because he doesn't mind letting me have the option. I think he'd rather I vent my anger on him then myself… because he cares… a little. Not that I care, though.

**16. The way they kiss when**

**you do something nice for them**

Okay, I must admit, Shuichi does this. Although that's kind of the problem. He always kisses me when I do even the nicest thing. I don't want his kisses! I want to be left alone! So that's why I stopped doing nice things for him, 'cause I don't need his kisses. I can have anyone else's kisses. Even if they're not quite the same.

**17. The way they kiss you**

**when you say "I love you"**

Ha. Me saying I love him. That's funny.

**18. Actually ...**

**just the way they kiss you...**

Haven't we covered this sloppy kissy thingy already? I'm pretty damn sure we have. I mean, his kisses may be kind of nice. They may be _more _special than most people's, but that doesn't make them _special_. They're just kisses. That doesn't mean love.

**19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry**

And then I push him out. And he hits the floor. And cries more. Yeah, I guess that's kind of fun.

**20. Then the way they apologize**

**for crying over something that's silly**

WHAT? Then the brat would never _stop_ apologising. Even I wouldn't ask that much out of him.

**21. The way they hit you**

**and expect it to hurt**

He daren't hit me. I am God.

**22. Then the way they apologize**

**when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it)!**

Psht, like that brat could hurt me. Even with his pointy elbows.

**23. The way they say**

**"I miss you"**

He doesn't allow himself to be away from me long enough to miss me. Which means I'm never alone. Which totally sucks, because I don't like him and just want some peace and quiet once and a while, regardless of whether he has a warming presence or not. Not that he does.

**24. The way you miss them**

I wish I had enough time away to miss him… by golly I do…

**25. The way their tears make you want to change the world**

**so that it doesn't hurt her anymore...**

I guess this is kind of true, as in, I didn't really like Taki attacking him. But that wasn't because of him, it's just that no-one touches my property. And then because of the Kitazawa thingy, I got a little upset. See, not to do with Shu. Not in the slightest.

Crap, he seems to be running in. Stupid little-

"YUKI! Look - I made cakes!"

"Cakes? They look like cabbage."

"They're cabbage cakes!"

"That's stupid. Who'd want to eat that?"

He giggles. That infectious little laugh he has. "You're so silly. I'll save you three, just as always?"

"Whatever."

And just as always I'll throw them in the bin, but only when he's not looking.

"Okay! See you later, Yuki!" He leans forward and kisses me, but I shove him off just in time, so that I won't get a wet patch on my cheek again.

And maybe also to hide a smile.

**Yet regardless**

**if you love them,**

**hate them, wish they would die**

**or**

**know that you would die**

**without them ...**

**it matters not.**

**Because once in your life,**

**whatever they were to the world**

**they become everything to you.**

**When you look them in the eyes,**

**travelling to the depths of their souls**

**and**

**you say a million things**

**without trace of a sound,**

**you know that your own life**

**is inevitable consumed**

**within the rhythmic beatings**

**of her very heart.**

**We love them for a million reasons,**

**No paper would do it justice.**

**It is a thing not of the mind**

**but of the heart.**

**A feeling.**

**Only felt.**

**--**

Okay, the bits in bold I did actually receive on an e-mail (no lies), and immediately felt the need to write a one-shot on them. Pointless? Probably. Fun? Hell yeah. Reviews...? Thanks!


End file.
